Stepping up to parenting

Libby Webber ponders the life-enhancing side of becoming a disabled step-parent

I didn’t have any preconceived ideas about what being a stepmother would be like. I don’t have children of my own, and when I fell in love with Stu, Matt’s father, I realised immediately that the two of them came as a package. You only had to see them together to realise the depth of the bond they have.

Matt’s brother Thomas was disabled, and so me being a wheelchair-user is nothing out of the ordinary to him. In fact I think it’s helped us to bond, because Matt likes to look out for me just as he used to for Thomas – making sure the path is clear for my wheelchair, for example.

He was nine years old when we met. I needn’t have been nervous about it because we got on well from our first weekend together. Matt was upset after an argument with his dad, and we had the first of our ‘Matt and Libby talks’; private conversations when Matt could offload to someone who isn’t a parent or teacher. I remember feeling stunned and privileged that he would trust me with his feelings so soon.

Ironically, as my feelings for Matt have deepened, it’s become more difficult to be that slightly detached confidante for him. I feel more like a parent now than a friend. Our relationship is more complex too, but I hope that Matt will always feel he can talk to me about his troubles.

Part of me would love Matt to be my biological child, not just because I don’t have my own children, but also because I love him for the funny, caring, troubled and fascinating person he is. I was thrilled when he introduced me to his mates in the school playground. I rang Stu afterwards in a flood of tears, because I’d never thought that I would be a “school run mum”, and wasn’t it wonderful!

Stu’s bottom line has always been that we’re a family, all four of us – dad, mum, stepmum and Matt. That can be difficult because there are times when I disagree with decisions, and while I’m happy to give my opinion, I don’t have the final say on what’s right for Matt because I’m not his mum. Fortunately, Wendy, Matt’s mother and I get on well, and that can only be to Matt’s benefit.

Before I met Matt, I’d never have described myself as being particularly maternal, but becoming his stepmum has brought out all the mothering instincts I never knew I had.