Big boys don't cry

The traditional masculine image of the self-sufficient, tough, resilient man is deeply ingrained in society. This, says John Hendy, can have a deleterious effect on the way those with mental health issues are viewed and treated

At school, girls are expected to be more sympathetic and expressive, so boys are discouraged from exhibiting such traits. Those that do are vulnerable to ridicule. There are certain rules to being a man; off the playing field, it can be difficult to equate emotion with masculinity.

I used to view having mental health problems as being indicative of weakness, and therefore, having the ability to maintain some kind of composure somehow reinforced my manliness. However, it took courage for me to ask for help. I felt like facing up to anything would be an admission of failure, and I certainly didn’t feel any encouragement to come forward.

When I was diagnosed with anxiety at 21, in my eyes I was alone. I was also sure that I would be perceived as a madman. I was able to convince myself that I was okay for a while, but I began to withdraw. I was told to pull myself together, and as a result, I was reluctant to attempt any further social bonding. I felt like an embarrassment to my family, having let them down. I also felt like a bit of a fraud.

We are conditioned to behave in certain ways, and this is only reaffirmed by our peers, and the way in which we view the world. The portrayal of men in the media and the way in which we interact with other men compounds the notion that emotional or confessional conversations are somehow inappropriate.

The polarisation of men and women’s behaviour continues throughout life. Disclosure may be the female disposition, but this is not to say that men do not connect, or develop meaningful relationships. It is a commonly held myth that men are simply unable to communicate; male friendships are unique and it’s easy to dismiss them as lacking in depth.

I took solace in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). I was encouraged to look at my thought patterns, and how these contributed to my anxiety. Therapies that focus on action and behaviour rather than root causes can be easier for men to engage with. When treatments call for men to express their emotions, framing these emotions as an expansion of masculine traits can aid progression. CBT aims at emphasising goals, outcomes and productivity.

The myth of the unemotional man is taken as a given, and so the onus is put on encouraging men to open up and get in touch with their feminine side. This does not take the subtleties of masculinity into consideration. Young men lay on the bravado, and tend to stigmatise these problems more than any other age group. We are conditioned to act in certain ways. When mental health treatments are examined, I believe it is important to focus on the very traits that define our masculinity.