Love is in the air

Valentine’s Day is the one day of the year when we can really let our romantic nature run wild, but what is “romance”? Mik Scarlet finds that it’s many things to many people

Model Shannon Murray told me: “Romance for me is doing something thoughtful for a lover, whether it’s simply running them a hot bath with oils and a few candles after a stressy day at work, or buying their favourite wine for a quiet dinner at home, kissing them and telling them that you love them at unexpected times, posting them a short love letter. It doesn’t have to be grand gestures like a weekend in Paris, it’s showing that you care, that you listen and that you want to make them feel even more cherished occasionally”.

Actor, writer and multi-disciplinary performing artist Mat Fraser had a more visceral take on the subject. “Romance to me is when that all-consuming flush of attraction is joined by the realisation that it is mutual between you and the person of your desires and love”.

I found working together with my wife when we played in a rock band together led to some very romantic moments, and Mat had a similar experience.

“The most romantic time ever for me was when I was kissing my now fiancée Julie Atlas Muz at the end of our production of Beauty and the Beast, on stage to a full house in New York, while the audience threw red roses at us, and broke into a standing ovation, as if to celebrate our union. Finally able to throw off paranoia and just enjoy them enjoying us enjoying each other. It was collective and beautiful and the whole theatre was swathed in universal love”.

For Shannon romance comes a little less public. “Looking back it’s uncomfortable to realise that romance has been in pretty short supply in my own life, despite being hugely romantic myself. I don’t seem to have inspired romance in my partners! (I blame my overly independent streak.) The only thing I can recall is when I was 21 and away at uni, my ex-boyfriend bought me writing paper, To Kill a Mockingbird and a silver pen for my birthday. He said I didn’t write enough and this would help improve my letter writing. I was really touched by the thought and effort he had gone to, and still am all these years later.” Just shows that flexing those romance muscles can leave a lasting effect. (I hope he gets to read this.)

But are there times when having a disability causes romance to blossom? “When first dating a guy the chair is always new to them obviously, but when a guy is just naturally gifted at reassembling my chair without fuss or stress and instinctively knows to tip the chair back when going up kerbs rather than ramming the front wheels into the kerb, I instantly relax more in their company. It’s like they’ve considered it a bit more. I know it isn’t really romantic but it does make me melt a little”.

I agree with Shannon as I also feel a rush of love every time I watch my wife re-enact a scene from the Edinburgh Tattoo as she puts my chair in the boot of our car. Even when illness strikes, romantic moments can happen. The wonderful way my wife nursed me through six months of bed rest after my last spinal operation, making a difficult time fun and easy, was the most continuously romantic period of my life.

But what happens if you try to hide your disability in the name of romance? I’ll let Damon Rose, journalist and producer with BBC News, explain possible pitfalls. “I once went on a blind person’s holiday to Greece in my early 20s. Drunk one night, I told a blind girl we should go on a romantic walk along the beach. “But you can’t see,” she said. “Yes I can,” I lied, and thrust out my arm suggesting I’d guide her. We were discovered somewhere up the beach at 8 o’clock the next morning; I had followed the sound of the lapping waves for quite some distance. A significant achievement in hoodwinking, really. Turns out it’s easy to go on a romantic walk but not necessarily so easy to find your way back to the hotel afterwards if you have no sight whatsoever. (Postscript: we never got together as a couple.)”