Lara's clothes show close-up

All eyes and teeth – how Lara Masters’ partial make-over failed to impress Katie Price’s minder

The first Clothes Show London (CSL) promised to be a three-day style and fashion feast. With ticket prices at £24 a day and even more to attend the “prestigious award ceremonies” (celebrating the year’s best beauty products, best dressed woman etc), I was keen to find out exactly how much bang I was going to get for my buck. And at that price, I was expecting fashion dynamite.

CSL, held at ExCel in London’s Docklands, provided everyone with free parking for the event and access was faultless; I rolled straight from the car into the enormous exhibition centre and there were lifts and accessible loos throughout.

Arriving in the first hall, I was confronted by a large fake beach with a life-sized sand sculpture of a horse lying down and a voluptuous nude woman resting her generous breasts on its back. How did this creation relate to fashion, I wondered. Was this some naturist-influenced alternative to the Wonderbra? My ponderings were short-lived as a gang of scantily clad models, including some very gorgeous young guys, burst from the beach hut showcasing the latest Figleaves swimwear collection to a startled but smiling smattering of passers-by.

Moments later, an excited gaggle of girls and photographers alerted me to the appearance of Katie Price who was signing her “equestrian range” (www.KPEquestrian.com) featuring such horse-riding essentials as pink velour hot pants. I obviously wasn’t in the market for riding clothes but thought a photo of me and KP would complement my article. However, Katie’s massive minder got a whiff of my press pass and gruffly informed me that Miss Price did not want to meet me. “But you haven’t asked her if...?” I pointed out. He glared at me and boomed: “She doesn’t want to meet you!“

Practically in tears, I sped away almost landing in a barrel of glitter eye-shadows. I let a make-up artist restore my serenity with a few sweeps of sparkling lapis blue as she explained that “B”, or “Never Too Busy to be Beautiful“ (www.bnevertoobusytobebeautiful.com), are the only UK cosmetics company whose products are entirely vegan and against animal testing.

With sparklingly ethical eyes, I started my reconnaissance of the clothes stalls which were mainly independent labels with refreshingly few recognisable brands. In the
Untold London Boutique, 11 emerging designers and artists were selling their ranges but I found these clothes to be unspectacular with lots of boxy, frumpy shapes.

Checking out some of the more commercial clothes stalls was also disappointing with many mass produced, poor quality badly cut garments and a theme of fraying hems, ugly prints and fabrics that looked and felt cheap.

At least in Anita’s Vintage Fashion Fair the clothes were a higher standard of craftsmanship but with retro stores it’s always a question of luck that you find something that fits or can be easily altered, but I didn’t find anything enticing even in the handbag, jewellery and hat sections.

The one beacon of light in an otherwise murky clothes abyss was a stall full of hand-made corsets and retro-style dresses in stunningly vivid prints by a label called, wait for it... “Limb”! (www.limb-clothing.com)

Did they see this DN journo coming or what?! The corset I wanted was too long to wear sitting in a wheelchair so the owner said she would make me a shorter version at no extra cost!

I didn’t even have to mention the DDA or anything!

This last minute goal put a smile on my face which was promptly enhanced by a woman leaping from her stall and smearing teething whitener over my gnashers, instantly making them two shades lighter. Apparently.

Teeth-glinting, I moseyed past the Style Stage where a celebrity hairdresser was effusing about this season’s hair-dos and don’ts, and on to the Fashion Theatre with its designated VIP/disabled area, to catch the end of Katie Price’s catwalk show.

Afterwards, I manoeuvred my way backstage and past an army of security guards and KP’s now quite sleepy bodyguard by flashing my press pass and fluttering my ultra-sparkly eyelids. I ended up hanging out with beautiful male model Max and Miss Price as we bonded, comparing waist sizes and choosing her outfit for the evening.

To summarise, with over 90 stalls of beauty, style and fashion retailers, and related businesses such as photographic and model agencies and fashion and beauty colleges, it occurred to me that the Clothes Show London is perhaps a misleading title. Sipping on my fourth free Martini Rosato (everyone got given two and I responsibly relieved my carer of hers), I concluded CSL is more a style Mecca, where you can get expert advice and an education in all image-related industries, than simply a place to clothes shop.