Fight for your right to par-tee

Party season beckons and the pressure is on to follow the Beastie Boys’ call to arms but, before you reach for those flashing antlers, Lara Masters has some tips for surviving the Yuletide festivities with style (and a disability)

Once again, “tis the season to be jolly” and you’ve been invited to your work party, your partner’s company do or a friend’s mulled-wine evening. You’ve been to such an affair before and you’ve seen The Office; you know there’s a likelihood of colleagues coming more out of their shells than is entirely necessary and openings for alcohol-induced questions including the ubiquitous and oh-so-charming: “Were you born like that?”

I’m ashamed to say that I’ve even been tempted to pull out the “disabled card” (poor access/sore back/carer unavailable etc) to avoid such festive gatherings. However, anyone who’s seen A Christmas Carol knows that if disabled people make themselves visible at this time, the able-bodieds can heed Marley’s warning, turn their lives around and avoid purgatory…so, let’s party!

My number one top tip is: be seen and bedazzle. Now is the perfect excuse to ramp-up the glitz to strobe-lighting-effect-proportions by wearing glitter and anything shiny.

Fortunately sequins are very “on trend” this autumn/winter so shops are full of clothes that gals can razzle-dazzle in, and guys will look sexy twinkling discreetly in dark coloured shirts with fine glitter pinstripes and ties with subtle shimmer (Burton’s do great glitter shirt/tie combos in black or deep red for £28).

Sparkling at festive bashes not only attracts the attention of that special someone (unless they are visually impaired in which case you will have to rely solely on your sparkling wit) but also ensures canapé-laden catering staff cannot overlook you, even if your disability means you are of less than average height.

Tip number two: make un-PC behaviour work in your favour. If the waiter/waitress happens to patronise you, play up to it by grinning lots and acting like you’ve never tasted those delicious bite-size treats before; this way you will always be served first and encouraged to take several.

My third tip is what I term: Spac-itude. This is simply disability confidence; feeling good about your individuality and being physically “different” even at those challenging times. It’s a helpful tool to employ when your partner’s boss/friend’s new boyfriend/complete stranger approaches (possibly entranced by your glittering get-up) and whilst gnawing on a turkey drumstick splutters: “Can I ask you something?” Then without waiting for an answer proceeds to slurringly pry into the minutiae of your “condition”.

It’s usually a good idea to be polite, particularly to your partner’s boss, but you don’t need to explain your disability to anyone, especially someone with such a gross lack of social skills.

You can say as little or as much as is comfortable and it’s perfectly acceptable in this situation to “borrow” a disability which renders you unable to converse verbally (i.e looking blank/faking some BSL). However, if they start to sign back, you will have to temporarily blind them with some shiny garb and make a swift exit.

Tip number four seems obvious but I have to remind myself of it on regular occasions: know your limit. The Christmas party period is long, and sensible pacing when imbibing is a must.

Yuletide parties are awash with free alcohol and strange hybrids such as eggnog, mulled wine and “Snowballs” but “getting into the Christmas spirit” should not be taken literally.

I have learnt, repeatedly and painfully, that my tipple quota should not exceed three drinks over the course of an evening. Counting your drinks and knowing when to stop is imperative to successfully surviving the silly season. You may see other disabled people knocking back the liquor with gay abandon and think “well, if it’s okay for them...” however, on closer inspection you’ll discover that they are not disabled at all, they are just very drunk.

If you have a disability, a small amount of the hard stuff may improve your symptoms (relax spasms/minimise tremors/ease muscular pain), but exceeding your alcohol limit will create Christmas chaos for you and your carer/assistance-dog/significant other with possibilities of tinsel entangle­ments, mince pie mishaps, bauble blunders and a myriad of festive fowl-ups.

My final tip is by far the most important and should be followed even if all the above are blatantly ignored: have a rockin’ good party season!