A kind of dating

What’s not available online. Food, booze, books, clothes: all there at the click of a mouse. Even love or lust. The internet overcomes many access issues for disabled people but, asks Lara Masters, does it also help level the playing field when it comes to cyber-courting?

For research purposes, and much to the chagrin of my OH, I signed up to Match.com and a site aimed at disabled folks called Dating4disabled.com, where people can search for a devotee or for a partner with a specific disability from a comprehensive list including “colour-blind” and “blind (one eye)”… Gulp!

I put up photos of me showing the wheelchair and on Match I got 150 “profile views” and 30 “winkers” (read that carefully) daily, but only 2-3 people per day bit the cyber-bullet and emailed. On D4D from 60 “PVs” a day I received around 15 new emails – half of which were able-bodied suitors who avoided disclosing why they were on a disability-orientated site.

There were one or two guys on both sites that seemed bright, interesting and ”attractive” so I asked a couple of disabled internet-dating aficionados what happens when you’re genuinely looking for love. Or lust.

“John”, 43, has tried Match, eharmony, Adultfriendfinder and Dating4disabled.

“On Match and eharmony I stated I used a manual wheelchair, but didn’t post a picture displaying it. I found women older than me had less of an issue with it but those younger had often not read the description properly so were unaware of my disability!

“On AFF, a site based on sexual desires, conveying the idea that disabled people aren’t ‘A-sexual’ – it merely requires more creativity – is difficult, and dating on D4D is also problematic because people sharing a common ID as disabled doesn’t remove other biases. There’s also the ‘devotees’ who want to date a disabled person due to a fetish or to ‘take care’ of them. I’ve experienced both kinds, and as someone opposed to help except in exceptional circumstances and wishing to promote equality, the experience was not pleasant.

“I’ve met 3 people on AB sites and acquired several friends via D4D but my ‘success’ rate isn’t necessarily disability related – the eharmony compatibility test judged me incompatible with everyone on their books before the issue of physical appearance and thus disability even came up!

“Recently, I’ve met more valid relationship prospects on Badoo but I suspect that’s because I’m no longer trying too hard.”

“Rachel”, 25, who uses Plentyoffish also found she received much more interest after a change of attitude.

“I used to put up pictures where you couldn’t see my wheelchair but now I state: ‘As you can see, I’m in an electric wheelchair. This doesn’t stop me doing what I want and doesn’t change who I am, but I’d like to put it out there in case it puts you off! If you’re still reading this, then I guess it’s a good sign.’

“The first time I actually met up with a guy, it became apparent that he had anxiety problems and didn’t get out much – after a few weeks, his neediness irritated me and I finished it.

“Most recently, I met a guy who was lovely to talk to online and we arranged to meet at a bar. I don’t go anywhere without a PA as I can’t even hold a drink without assistance but I wanted to go alone, so I had to ask him to help me. He was incredibly quiet initially – it shocks people when they first see how disabled I am, but I’m good at lightening the mood.

I saw him a few times but didn’t feel a spark.

“I’ve spoken to what feels like millions of people online. I’m not an easily forgettable face and often people come up to me in clubs etc and tell me we’ve ‘met’ online. Sometimes that might result in a kiss, but none of them have turned into princes.”

These unsatisfactory hook-ups are even more prevalent amongst my able-bodied internet-dating friends. Internet-dating with a disability can be a barrier but can also act as a filter, separating the wheat from the cyber-chaff. A lot of people are going to overlook a profile because they see a disability but in my dating experience, on and offline, those that “see” you and not just your “life challenge”, are the non conformist, interesting types you’d want to meet whether or not you’re disabled.