Sex: Talking for ourselves

A recent newspaper survey found that 70 per cent of respondents would not have a sexual relationship with a disabled person. And this would seem to confirm the generally held pessimistic view that most disabled people stand little chance of “getting it”. But Annie Makoff has been speaking to people who dispute that view and these findings: they say success in sex and relationships is all down to confidence

Sex is second only to food. Life would be pretty rubbish without it.” Kathleen oozes sexual confidence. It’s easy to see why she’s been so successful in the sack: she has the blonde hair, big blue eyes and generously sized bosom that is the envy of every woman and the dream of every man.

Kathleen has spina bifida: hospital negligence when she was a child exacerbated her condition and she became a wheelchair-user.

Her lively – and sometimes juicy – story goes against society’s view that disabled people don’t engage in sex very much at all, or if we do, it is restricted to experiences with other disabled people.

Refusing to live up to society’s stereotype of “that poor woman in a wheelchair”, Kathleen launched herself on the world in rather an idiosyncratic fashion.

“I never set out to be an escort” she muses. “I always wanted to look after people so I did a massage course and I set up in business as a masseur. I suppose I was a bit naïve, I had no idea of the world that went on the other side of it.”

It wasn’t until clients kept asking for “extra”, and one client even told her she’d lose business if she didn’t offer anything else, that Kathleen began to seriously consider offering sexual services. She registered her services on various websites where she called herself “Something Different” and waited for the requests to pile in.

“I was really nervous each time I met a client for the first time. When they wanted to book another session afterwards, I’d think ‘Why do you want to come back?!’”

Despite initial self-consciousness, Kathleen found that her body confidence and self-esteem actually improved massively during the two years she operated as an escort. The compliments and feedback she received and the rapport she built with her clients made her feel attractive which demonstrated to Kathleen that disability has no bearing on attractiveness if the confidence is there.

“The only boundaries that exist are the ones you make yourself,” Kathleen says. “I’m not saying escorting is the way forward, but by believing in yourself, whatever your body is like, people will pick up on that confidence.”

Kathleen’s story may raise eyebrows, but she insists it’s not something she looks back on with regret. “I’ve learnt a lot from it,” she says. “Even though I am now happily married, I don’t regret what I did. It takes an awful lot of courage and confidence to do that job, so nothing fazes me now.”

On the other side of the coin is wheelchair-user Jason, a member of Outsiders, the social club for disabled people to make friends and find partners. Like many, Jason did not feel comfortable going to escorts, even if they were bubbly personalities like Kathleen. With newspapers running headlines like “Taxpayers money spent on prostitutes for the disabled”, it is no surprise he felt it wasn’t his “preferred choice”. Jason experienced a real sense of shame that threatened to impact significantly on his mental state.

For disabled people lacking in confidence, finding the means to engage in sexual activities in or out of relationships can be difficult, if not impossible.

Jason was one of these – describing himself as “shy around women” he feared that his cerebral palsy, which affects his speech and movement, would inhibit him in relationships.

But with the support of Outsiders Jason has started to experience a different way of life (and pleasure). “I’ve come to terms with the fact that if that’s how I can experience sex at the moment, that’s OK,” he says. “Since becoming sexually active I feel a much more accepted member of society.”

And rather than having his fears confirmed, Jason found that whilst some women have rejected him due to his disability, there is a considerable number who haven’t. Clearly, not everyone has the same attitude towards disability and sex as surveys like the one carried out by The Observer would have you believe.

One woman has been seeing Jason for over a year. Since seeing her regularly, Jason says that his view of sex has changed completely.

“She’s helped me understand it’s just as pleasurable to give pleasure as to receive it. I’m comfortable with my naked body now and I’m more confident speaking to other women. I’ve learnt that there is nothing wrong with my body as I once thought.”

Kathleen and Jason’s sexual discovery isn’t about seedy experiences. Kathleen realised that by being upfront, no one had an issue with her disability. “They don’t see the disability,” she says. “They just see the person.”

Although Jason has found it harder to come to terms with his disability than Kathleen, he now sees his contact with escorts as a temporary means to an end.

Jason isn’t alone in his body confidence issues. Tamsin experienced similar difficulties, although her disability that affects her respiratory, spinal and nervous system wasn’t the main issue – her gender was.

Tamsin was male when she worked as a bricklayer and a computer engineer. From as early as she could remember, she knew she was the wrong gender.

“I buried my transsexualism from an early age,” she recalls. “I was a very unhappy boy – at nine years old I tried to redesign myself with a rope and a tree and from then, I started to self-harm my genitalia.”

Tamsin, (then Peter) developed a hatred of mirrors and banned them in his home. He contended with his gender dysphoria through much of his life as well as the physical disabilities, which had got so bad, he had to give up work.

Now in her sixties and a year after successful gender reassignment surgery, “Happy Clappy Tamsin”, as she calls herself, is quite literally a changed woman.

“I’m Tamsin the Terrible Tart!” she jokes. “I giggle a lot, I’m playful. Since becoming a woman, I’m gentle on myself and my disability, I know when to stop when things get too much, but I also know when to have fun.”

Tamsin says that sex has improved significantly for her as a direct result of her sex change. For Tamsin, it’s as much about accepting herself as a woman than it is about accepting her disability. “I’ve developed what I call my PMA (positive mental attitude), which is now heavily involved in my life and my disability. I’m more confident now in relationships than I’ve ever been.”

It is a sentiment that Mira wholeheartedly agrees with. With a history of anorexia and unexplained neurological damage to her arms and legs, Mira had a lot of hang-ups about her body during her teenage years and into her 20s. Although she had many relationships, and admits going through a period of promiscuity, she acknowledges now that it was for the wrong reasons.

“I realised I was hurting myself,” she said. “It’s not that I had a moral judgement about it, just the way I went about it meant I was disrespecting who I am and disrespecting my body.”

It wasn’t until Mira began taking medications for her mental health difficulties that she was able to accept herself, her disability and her body, therefore seeking out partners who celebrated all three.

“Psychiatric medication notoriously causes a lot of weight gain,” Mira explains. “Yet it’s weirdly made me more confident – I’m more happy with my body big than I ever was trying to be thin.”

Acknowledging this made Mira accept the other aspects of herself that she’d found hard to come to terms with previously, like having to use a walking stick, which she says, made her feel old and self-conscious.

“I realised that accepting my body in terms of my weight would be redundant if I didn’t also accept it in terms of impairment. It’s no good saying ‘I’m happy with my big bum, but I hate my crap legs’. The two had to go together.”

Mira’s perception of her body has carried over to her sexual relationships. “I’ve stopped caring about how I look with my stick and what my limitations are,” she says. “People take confidence at face value. When you’re confident, people seem to accept disability better.”

Kathleen agrees. “You have to believe in yourself, no matter what your disability”, she says. “There will always be something about you that people will like, whether it’s a nice smile, warm eyes, or a sense of humour. Believe in what you have got, rather than what you haven’t.”

Kathleen’s advice clearly resonates with Tamsin who certainly believes in what she’s got. To prove it, even the mirrors are back.

• Some names have been changed.

INFORMATION
Outsiders: outsiders.org.uk
Tel: 020 7354 8291  
Email: info@outsiders.org.uk.

Sex and disability helpline
(11am – 7pm Mon-Fri)
Tel: 0707 499 3527  Email: sexdis@outsiders.org.uk

The TLC Trust: tlc-trust.org.uk