Why does joining the jet set have to be such a pain?

Simon Stevens wonders why everyone treats him like a complete idiot from the moment he books his flight – and all the more so if he’s travelling alone

I have always loved flying and the air of excitement it brings. But for myself and many disabled people, air travel brings added stresses and obstacles, which you just would not believe.

The drama begins the moment you book the tickets. Even if you book online, you still have to ring up to book assistance and be interrogated about your condition. I now check each item of hand luggage with them (bib, cup, spoon) is permitted on the plane just in case they are considered weapons of mass destruction. Plus, if you are unlucky, you will be asked for a dreaded doctor’s note.

Arriving at the airport, parking is the first nightmare as traffic wardens demand superhero qualities when offloading.

So finally we make it to check-in and my first panic of the day: did I over-pack? With nappies, wet suit, bibs and medications, I am not sure I have ever been within the weight limit, but always just smiled and no-one has ever dared complain.

While I am now always asked to bring my blue badge to prove I am disabled, for some reason I am never asked to show it.

After check-in, the journey becomes like an episode of The Prisoner as the wheelchair arrives and I start shouting, “I am not a number” as I am escorted to the plane. It is better now, as they don’t leave you in the corner for hours on end and you can go shopping and have a pee.

It is now time to board the aircraft, and after 20 questions from the cabin crew on how the hell they think they can get me on board, I am finally in my seat. Then the fun really begins.

The first thing I notice is the shock when the cabin crew realise I am all on my own. They will often ask me if I am indeed on my own.

I look around and reply, “I hope so!”

On my last flight, the look of mild shock seemed to turn into panic, resulting in the cabin crew placing a box of tissues at the front of my seat without so much as a word. Was my drooling considered a weapon of mass destruction?

The strangest thing that happened to me on a flight was when I asked for help cutting up my food and the steward started feeding me. I tried saying no, but food kept being put in my mouth!

On arrival, disabled people are always asked to wait for assistance and have the joy of freaking out passport control, baggage handlers and customs.

Despite how important some items I pack are to my wellbeing, my baggage has been lost twice. The last time was for a weekend.

So when I hear how easy flying is nowadays, I just start banging my head on the nearest brick wall. Thank god for my helmet.

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