Relating to the wrong problem

It’s all too common for disabled children in families to be seen and presented as a problem. Therapist and counsellor Simon Parritt says a new initiative by Relate aimed at such families fails to define the real problem: social exclusion

Earlier this year Relate, the relationship counselling body, got funds from the Department of Education and now offers up to four free or low-cost sessions of family or relationship therapy to families with disabled children.

On the face of it who could possibly moan about this, especially when we face the prospect of cuts elsewhere? Research by Contact a Family suggests that half of all parents with a disabled child attributed difficulties in their relation­ship, or even its breakdown, to the disability.  

Of course many families find having children stressful so it is not surprising that having a child with a disability might be seen as an additional factor.

It’s not necessarily the case. Many parents say that having a disabled child brought them closer together. But where there is a problem around the issues that face a disabled child’s parents, does ”treating the parental relationship” deal with the root cause? What’s the real root of the problem?

I contend that it is far more likely to be about lack of real support from the community, social services, health and education departments.

Unsurprisingly, this is what most parents experience. Indeed, the question about parental relationship focuses upon “the opportunity to spend time with their spouse or partner” and the lack of support, understanding and social inclusion that contributes to the relationship breakdown, not the fact that their child is disabled. In a 2003 survey of disabled parents, only six per cent described their relationship as “not very good”.

Any support must be welcomed, but I’m worried that once again the focus is wrong. Supporting disabled people, children and disabled parents themselves must surely be the first priority. Supporting real social inclusion for the whole family would ensure that being a parent of a disabled child would be much less stressful and isolating for all. It’s this that’s most likely to reduce relationship breakdown and stress. Offering treatment for the distress from social isolation and exclusion is treating a normal response to a socially and psychologically unhealthy situation.

I’d much prefer Relate to focus on offering relationship and sexual therapy to disabled people and couples themselves. This would call for a radically new approach in actually promoting accessibility in all their offices and branches – and here I’m not really speaking just about “ramps and lifts” but training, awareness and attitudes among the therapists them­selves, to address the real issues that confront disabled people in life and relationships.

The goal should be to reach out directly to disabled people and promote the idea that help is there for us.