Ask the Experts

My carer husband needs support

Q I have carers and struggle to main­tain an active social life, but my struggle is being thwarted by a Saturday social club set up only for disabled adults with unpaid carers, i.e. wives and husbands. They’ll let me in when I’m with my 56-year-old husband, who’s my main carer and looks after me 22 hours a day, but not when I’m with my other carers who are there to support him in caring for me. It seems unfair that my husband is not allowed any freedom away from his caring role. I don’t think this is right, as everybody is entitled to a break. Even able-bodied married couples have breaks from each other. Why shouldn’t couples with disabled partners?
Name supplied

Simon Parritt says: You seem to have two issues. The first is that your husband’s role as main carer puts a strain on your marital and loving relationship as a couple. This is a problem that many people face and a reason why some disabled people remain in a separate living situation from their lovers or close partners: for fear of losing social service support.

One piece of research I read showed that relation­ships can sometimes be more stable and satisfying when a disabled person and a non-disabled person don’t actually live together full-time. This may be because the roles of carer and partner remain separate. With a partner always present, there is always less support offered both physically and financially from outside, be that the state or voluntary sector.

I therefore suggest that your husband and you look into respite care, if you are eligible. It would give your husband a break and also give you time off, if only for a week every now and then.

The second issue is your lack of a social life. Is this Saturday club your only option? Have you tried more mainstream clubs and activities that might interest you, without your husband? Just because they’re not specifically for disabled people, it doesn’t mean you can’t use them.

In fact, looking outside into the wider community may be the best course of action to make you feel more included and fulfilled.

It sometimes takes a little effort to persuade and cajole organisations to be inclusive and support your access needs, but it may prove worth the time.

How many doctors' notes must I produce?

Q I’m diabetic and I’m increasingly being asked for doctors’ letters before taking part in activities. To get a body massage at Center Parcs I had to provide a doctor’s letter and now the Open University is asking me for one as well. These are just two examples. There is a charge of £22 per letter. Should disabled people have to foot this bill or should the organisation asking for the letter cover the cost? It doesn’t seem fair that disabled people have this added cost. What are my rights?  
Ellen Chapman, by email

Agnes Fletcher replies: It does seem unfair that so many people are asking you for doctors’ letters. I can’t see why the Open University should have any particular interest in your diabetes or need you to prove that you have it, if that is what they are doing – unless, perhaps, you are applying for disability-related grants or other support. Then, where there is a cost to them, it may be reasonable for the provider to ask for such information, though good practice would be not to.

When it comes to quasi-medical treatments, service providers may be concerned about liability if you sustain an injury (diabetes can mean reduced sensation in your feet, for example).

In all cases, can I suggest you first politely challenge the need for a doctor’s letter? It may be that you are coming up against old policies that need to be revised in the light of the new Equality Act or even the earlier Disability Discrimination Act.

In the case of particular treatments, perhaps you could sign a form saying that you consent to treatment and will not hold the provider responsible for any problems as long as the treatment is correctly delivered.

Another option might be to pay for one doctor’s letter, addressed “To Whom It May Concern”, giving a full outline of your condition, how it affects you and any precautions you need to take. You can then make copies which should last you through various scenarios and over several years.

Can I rent a wheelchair-accessible car in Cyprus?

Q Next year, I intend to take three people to Cyprus, and visit Paphos, in the south west, and Polis in the north west. Two of the travellers will be wheelchair-users and I’ll need to pick up an adapted vehicle at Paphos International Airport. Can you kindly help me locate a company that can rent me a suitable car or van for a week?
Trebor Wyn Roberts, by email

Helen Dolphin responds: A company called Paraquip (paraquip.com.cy) provides wheelchair-accessible vehicles for airport transfers and puts on excursions. These accommodate two wheelchair-users and four non-disabled passengers, but they come with a driver. As for doing your own driving, I’ve been unable to find any hire company who would supply a self-drive vehicle. However, it would be worth contacting Paraquip as they would have more local knowledge.