Paul's falls dent his pride

Just like your average turf legend, Paul Carter requires re-shoeing periodically. Here’s what happens if he leaves it too long

Regular readers of this column will know that there are certain constants that run through my life: an obsession with consuming junk food, a fondness for cheap lager, and a general bitterness and disdain for most people, places and inanimate objects.

One other regular occurrence in my life is falling over. I fall over a lot. Although this usually has more to do with the aforementioned cheap lager rather than my spindly legs.

Recently however, the amount of time I’ve spent getting acquainted with my old friend the ground has increased exponentially, as I’ve been suffering with what the Americans might call a “wardrobe malfunction”.

At the end of my prosthetic legs are pieces of rubber, which technically act as the soles of my feet, in theory providing me with traction and grip. Y’know, physics and stuff.

I’m a bit like a horse in the respect that I have to be re-shod at regular intervals, as the rubber eventually wears down. Sadly, that’s where the similarities end though.

Anyway, for some inexplicable reason, this rubber has spectacularly disintegrated over the space of a week or so, leaving a large patch of bare resin exposed at the back.

The result of any of that part happening to make the slightest bit of contact with the pavement, is that I go down quicker than a whore’s drawers. Although with considerably less grace.

Just the other day I managed to fall off a bus, which even by my standards is pretty spectacular. In fact, in the past week alone I have added two pubs (unsurprisingly), a car park, a football stadium, a tube station and a restaurant to the list of places where I have ingloriously fallen.

This raises an emotional dilemma for me. The worst thing about falling over so publicly, apart from the fact that it hurts occasionally, is the crippling embarrassment.

You see, when other people fall over, I laugh. It’s hilarious. I know that’s cruel and makes me sound bitter and spiteful but it’s true. We all do it. Don’t we?

I’m actually a fan on Facebook of “laughing when someone falls”. It’s true (I’m also a fan of “not being on fire” but that’s by the by).

As a result, whenever I stack it, I imagine that scores of people are wetting themselves laughing once I’m out of earshot.

It would probably serve me right though if they were. What goes around, comes around and all that. Damn you karma, damn you.