Geek seeks total control

I‘ve been thinking a lot about technology this past month. More so than usual, in fact.

You see, when it comes to gadgets, I’m a bit of a geek, and the reason for my overly obsessive techno-lust is that this month finally sees the release of Apple’s much-vaunted, much-hyped, much-wanted-by-me, iPhone.

There’s only one problem: I can’t use it.

You see, the main feature of the iPhone that makes it more desirable than backstage passes to a supermodel swimwear convention – and there are many – is the very same one that makes it totally inaccessible to me.

It has no buttons.

That’s right, no buttons. The geniuses in Apple’s design department have come up with a handset totally operated by touch screen, meaning my cack-handed mashing of the screen is more likely to see me accidentally dial a direct line to the Burundi ambassador to Western Peru than it is to write a simple text message comprehensible only to people under 16.

The thing is, I don’t care.

I want one anyway.

Let me tell you something. I bought a guitar once. A proper, Fender Stratocaster electric one. It had a strap and everything. It even had one of those bars that you pull to make it go waaah.

Now, there’s a problem here. The main drawback to me owning a guitar is the fact that I HAVE NO HANDS. What the hell was the point?

Unless a new musical genre emerges consisting of an open D chord being strummed (badly) over and over again, there wasn’t one. Still, James Blunt hasn’t done too badly, and besides, it looks damn good in my lounge, and that's all that matters.

I’d also like to think that it impresses ladies, but guitars are ranked down there alongside other things that blokes (wrongly) think impress girls, like spaghetti bolognese and loud farting.

Anyway, my point is that we as disabled people are constantly being told that gadgets and technology are good for us, and can revolutionise our lives. In some cases, they’re right, of course. For example, I don’t know where I’d be without online shopping. Actually, I do: I’d be forced into making the long and arduous three-minute walk across the road to buy bread and ready-meals.

The thing is, it seems increasingly that we have to make a choice between having something stylish or having something accessible. There’s no middle ground. Whatever happened to form and function?

Maybe the tech companies should move into the market for disability equipment.

Own up: who reading this wouldn’t be interested in a Google communication aid or a Microsoft power-chair? I sure as dammit would.

But, to be honest, if Apple brought out its own range of manure (iShite anyone?) I’d probably consider buying a couple of loads. But only if it had wi-fi, obviously. I’m not completely stupid.