A bit of armless waving

Feeling left out, Paul Carter’s decided to set up a club we might all give our right arms to join

I was out with a friend the other day (yes, believe it or not I do have some), when we apparently passed another limbless going the other way. I say apparently because I didn’t notice at the time. “Do you know that bloke?” my mate asked. “No,” I replied, immediately getting defensive at the insinuation that I must clearly know every other bloke with an arm missing in western Europe. “So why did you both wave at each other then?” he said. My god he was right. I had. I did that little knowing nod and smile. What was worse was that I didn’t even realise that I’d done it. I’d acknowledged a complete stranger in the street for no other reason that we both looked a bit the same, like when Mini or VW Beetle drivers flash their headlights when one comes in the opposite direction.

There are very specific rules though. You only acknowledge your own kind – there’s no cross party consensus allowed in the nod and wave club, it’s like disability apartheid. Wheelies only acknowledge other wheelies, people with things missing can only nod at other appendagely challenged folk. Hey I didn’t make the rule, but that’s the way it works.

Us limbless aren’t quite as well organised as some folk though, they’re practically a secret society.
I’ve always been really jealous of groups of disabled who have conventions, where they go away for a weekend under the pretence of discussing important issues when in truth it’s just a glorified piss-up. I want that. I have often wondered though what on earth they possibly talk about at those things. “Hello again everyone, how are we all? Still disabled? Righto, see you next year. To the bar!” Something like that probably.

I’ve decided I’m going to set up my own. The agenda at my convention would be something like this: 9am – champagne breakfast. 10am – discussion to see if anyone has yet found a way to crack eggs that doesn’t involve using their face. 10.05am – break for chips. 10.45am – pass a resolution calling for corks in wine bottles to be banned. 11am – cocktails with straws. You get the picture.

To illustrate my point that the disabled club actually exists, I had a quick look on Facebook, that great social indicator, to see if there were many impairment-specific groups set up on there. Sure enough, there are chuffing thousands, all packed with people, largely whingeing about how crap things are. Rather disappointingly though, I couldn’t find any sign of a ‘double above-knee, left arm below-elbow, right arm above-elbow amputees of the world unite’ group. What are the chances? I’m off to set one up. And get planning this summer’s convention. See you there, all five of you.