A crisis of faith

Following the death of her husband Ralph who had contracted Parkinson’s disease Dr Lin Berwick tells Ian Macrae that she felt abandoned by her God. Now she’s written a book recounting how and why it happened

For some disabled people, the motivation for their activism comes from political imperatives. But Lin Berwick’s inspiration has come from her Christian faith and her belief in a very particular kind of God.

Brought up by a mother whom she describes as “A committed Christian”, (there were prayers and bible readings in her home every day) she herself became a Methodist preacher in the 1980s, feeling that she was actually called to the pulpit by God himself. Although she initially questioned her value in this role, she soon realised how effective she could be.

“I’ve been told that I’m a great audio/visual aid for God”, she says. “For someone to witness from a wheelchair using Braille is quite powerful and it makes a lot of people say, ‘Well, why am I complaining: my life is a lot better.’”

So it came as a considerable shock to her to find her faith challenged. When she met and married Ralph, he was a self-confessed and devout atheist.

But he later joined Lin in her faith.

Together they set up and ran the Lin Berwick Trust which provides fully equipped holiday accommodation for disabled people.

“I felt that I had a mission now to highlight care issues and the struggle that disabled people face on a daily basis. To let people know what it’s really like out there.”

It was later, when Ralph had contracted Parkinson’s and when he ultimately made the decision to stop taking food, water or medication, that she found her faith seriously challenged.

“I thought my faith was rock solid. I thought it was completely unshakable. But when I had to stand by and watch my husband deteriorating, and there was precious little I could do to help him, it was absolutely soul-destroying and I felt completely let down by God.

“So I suppose the book is an expression of that emotional trauma and that even when you think your faith has deserted you, it is still there. It may just be very difficult to find.”

The book, entitled God’s Rich Pattern, is written in a series of chapters, each one recounting an autobiographical episode or situation from Dr Berwick’s life. Each of these chapters, which Lin Berwick refers to as “Meditations” is followed by a supporting thought and a prayer composed by the author to fit the situation or circumstance.

Dr Berwick says: “I wanted the book to be a recognition of Ralph’s struggle. It was partly written when he was still alive except for the last couple of chapters which came after he died. So it was important for me to have an expression of that difficulty we faced.”

Following her husband’s death, did she feel that she no longer believed in the existence of God, or was it more that she just didn’t like him very much any more?

“I just felt abandoned by God. I knew he was still there. I knew he existed for other people. But I felt abandoned. It felt as though I was being punished for something, although I had no idea what.”

Even now, with the book about to be published, she continues to feel what might be termed the after-shocks of the crisis.

“My faith still isn’t restored. I’m still finding it incredibly difficult to read scripture. I find it really hard to go to worship. Sometimes I’m emotional in the church, spending most of the service in tears. Other times I’m okay. But all I can say is that I’m hanging on in there.”

There are those who might find the existence of things such as Parkinson’s or more widely, a whole range of impairments or conditions, reason enough to call the existence of God into question at all.

“I don’t think God set out deliberately to make people sick or disabled in any way. I think he feels as sad about it as we do. He does get alongside us and share in our suffering, but we don’t always know he’s there.“

Some of us would be unsurprised to learn that Lin Berwick has encountered people who fundamentally question the validity of her own creation and existence.

“Through it all I know I’ve led a purposeful and interesting life and that God wanted me in the world to be an advocate for those who didn’t have a voice. And if I can be a spokeswoman for others then that’s what I think God put me here for.

“Look at my life and what I’ve managed to achieve. If you think about it, I’ve been working for 41 years without a break: I’ve published three books: I’ve a doctorate and an MBE: and I’m now on my third holiday home for disabled people. I’m leaving a legacy for when I leave this world. so my life has had meaning.”

• God’s Rich Pattern by Dr Lin Berwick MBE; Society for Promoting Christian Knowledge (SPCK); £9.99.